I have indeed leapt naked
through ice to swim in a highland river. It was a long long fado fado ago. I
was travelling through the Scottish highlands when I came across a local lass.
The morning we met the world was crisp and frosty. I was wrapped up in all
manners of proper winter gear that my mammy had insisted on buying me. So
whilst my face was cold, I was toasty warm. By contrast my new companion seemed
indifferent to the weather, being only dressed in a long skirt and top. She was
fair of cheek, shapely of form and had a really dirty laugh. I looked like a
padded sofa.
Everything
was magical, including the fact that I was managing to have a reasonably
coherent conversation with a girl. As we chatted she told me that the locals
had a tradition that would not only put me in touch with nature and the shock
and wonder of being alive but would also be great for my skin complexion. I was
skeptical but asked her what the tradition was. ‘Oh you just have to strip
naked and jumped into a river on the coldest day of the year. I’m on my way
there now. Do you want to join me?’
My brain froze, my tongue stuck to the top of my mouth, but
somehow I managed to nod my head, vigorously.
At last I was going to see a real live naked girl. We walked along a
narrow path through a dark Scottish wood. She chatted earnestly about all
manner of things, but I have to admit I did not take note of anything she said.
My brain had pretty much abdicated all functions to my penis.
After walking a while I saw a thick bank of fog ahead. ‘That’s
where the river is,’ she said before running on. I followed her, fearful and
excited. I caught up with her just as
she was taking off her flip-flops. Before us was an expanse of ice, beneath
which black shadows moved. ‘It’s the river,’ she said. ‘The ice will soon be too
thick to break. We need to strip as quickly as we can.’ At which she lifted her
jumper and touched a finger to her lovely pale stomach.
Using
sudden supersonic penis power magic I was instantly naked. Without a moment’s
hesitation I leapt through ice. It was incredible. My body screamed in pain as
it fell through the icy water. My blood stopped, my eyes popped, the blackness
crushed every bone and muscle in me. Then I rose up gasping and feeling the
most astonishing sense of godlike power and wonder.
I heard a dirty giggle and turned around. It was then that
I discovered that my highland lass had not befriended me in order to discuss
philosophy, nature or skin tone. Oh no - her thoughts were of a more base and
earthy nature. I discovered then that she only wanted me for one thing; my long
johns, wooly jumper and big snuggly parker. Fully dressed in my winter survival
gear she blew me a kiss and ran off back through the woods. I never saw her again.
But,
from emotional turmoil comes wisdom, and in the years since that day I have realized a number of things which may be of use to the men and women of
Ireland today:
·
Women. There
is no need to drag a man through a wood in order to get an extra jumper. Just ask.
Lads are always delighted to help…
·
Men.
You may indeed catch a glimpse of a female friend touching her
belly. This is not a mating signal. She may just have an itch. You might think
she is looking for an erotic encounter but she may only need a bar of soap…
As for navigating the complex world of
relationships, check out:
