Tuesday, 22 January 2013

An erotic (if cautionary) winter's tale...

I have indeed leapt naked through ice to swim in a highland river. It was a long long fado fado ago. I was travelling through the Scottish highlands when I came across a local lass. The morning we met the world was crisp and frosty. I was wrapped up in all manners of proper winter gear that my mammy had insisted on buying me. So whilst my face was cold, I was toasty warm. By contrast my new companion seemed indifferent to the weather, being only dressed in a long skirt and top. She was fair of cheek, shapely of form and had a really dirty laugh. I looked like a padded sofa.

Everything was magical, including the fact that I was managing to have a reasonably coherent conversation with a girl. As we chatted she told me that the locals had a tradition that would not only put me in touch with nature and the shock and wonder of being alive but would also be great for my skin complexion. I was skeptical but asked her what the tradition was. ‘Oh you just have to strip naked and jumped into a river on the coldest day of the year. I’m on my way there now. Do you want to join me?’

My brain froze, my tongue stuck to the top of my mouth, but somehow I managed to nod my head, vigorously.  At last I was going to see a real live naked girl. We walked along a narrow path through a dark Scottish wood. She chatted earnestly about all manner of things, but I have to admit I did not take note of anything she said. My brain had pretty much abdicated all functions to my penis.

After walking a while I saw a thick bank of fog ahead. ‘That’s where the river is,’ she said before running on. I followed her, fearful and excited.  I caught up with her just as she was taking off her flip-flops. Before us was an expanse of ice, beneath which black shadows moved. ‘It’s the river,’ she said. ‘The ice will soon be too thick to break. We need to strip as quickly as we can.’ At which she lifted her jumper and touched a finger to her lovely pale stomach.

Using sudden supersonic penis power magic I was instantly naked. Without a moment’s hesitation I leapt through ice. It was incredible. My body screamed in pain as it fell through the icy water. My blood stopped, my eyes popped, the blackness crushed every bone and muscle in me. Then I rose up gasping and feeling the most astonishing sense of godlike power and wonder. 
I heard a dirty giggle and turned around. It was then that I discovered that my highland lass had not befriended me in order to discuss philosophy, nature or skin tone. Oh no - her thoughts were of a more base and earthy nature. I discovered then that she only wanted me for one thing; my long johns, wooly jumper and big snuggly parker. Fully dressed in my winter survival gear she blew me a kiss and ran off back through the woods.  I never saw her again. 

But, from emotional turmoil comes wisdom, and in the years since that day I have realized a number of things which may be of use to the men and women of Ireland today:
·        Women. There is no need to drag a man through a wood in order to get an extra jumper. Just ask. Lads are always delighted to help…
·        Men. You may indeed catch a glimpse of a female friend touching her belly. This is not a mating signal. She may just have an itch. You might think she is looking for an erotic encounter but she may only need a bar of soap…
As for dealing with freezing days, the best advice is dress well, get out and get active  Being active is one of four recommendations from the Mayo Clinic for chasing away the winter blues

 As for navigating the complex world of relationships, check out:


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