Galway's Latest Porn Movie!

‘Anam an diabhail!’ is the latest DVD featuring Juicy Lucy, County Galway’s very own porn star. The film begins with Juicy Lucy standing beside a brown pool in the middle of a bog. She is wearing a rubber suit and a pair of goggles, ready to go bog snorkeling. In dives our intrepid heroine only to emerge moments later as naked as Aphrodite. However, whereas the Goddess of Love stepped ashore wearing a suntan and a smile, Juicy Lucy emerges from her muddy pond pale skinned and dripping long tendrils of bog weed. In this state of strangely erotic déshabille, she declares in a shocked yet naughty voice: ‘Anam an diabhail! Tá mo chuid éadaí tar éis titim glan uaim!’        

The plot thickens when a young visiting biologist and a sheep stroll by. The camera zooms in on the biologist’s face as sudden squalls of hope, lust, fear, delight and guilt billow and toss across his noble visage. The most powerful expression though is one of deep confusion. The researcher’s eyes dart right and left in spasms of indecision as he tries to choose between sheep and naked bog snorkeler. Finally, the youth grins. Yes, he has decided to shag both saucy ewe and Juicy Lucy!

Later on in the movie we see Juicy Lucy on a building site. She is wearing a boiler suit and a hard hat. She trips, falls in a concrete mixer, clambers out naked - except for some globules of cement – and declares: ‘Anam an diabhail!’ Up comes a young builder; confusion distorts his face; camera swings between the equally enticing attractions of Juicy Lucy and the cement mixer. Finally, the builder makes up his mind. Throwing aside all his clothing (as well as numerous EU health and safety regulations) he and Lucy climb into the mixer and set to as the contraption slowly spins round and round…

As it stands this film is a delightful introduction to both the Irish language and human anatomy. The trouble – with all due respect to Juicy Lucy and her companions – is that a number of Galway’s less experienced lads and lassies regard the film as a primer on how to get it on. In fact it has been scientifically proven that building site nudity should be strictly reserved for people who have already built up a strong and loving relationship.

Asking a first time date if he or she will take her clothes off in a building site is not the best way to begin a relationship. On the plus side you may just be seen as goofy, but if you press the point you could be seen as desperate, psychotic or just plain sad.

Furthermore, contrary to the (ample and pleasant) evidence of ‘Anam an diabhail!’ bog weed, sheep wool and cement mixers are not prophylactics – they may be pleasurable but they will not prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Condoms are a far safer choice and they have the added advantage of being easier to carry around than farm animals, building equipment and damp flora.

Another problem with porn is that men and boys become so focused on seeing sex  -whether consensual or forced - as an achievement in itself that they not only damage themselves and the women and girls around them, but they miss out on all the fun stuff involved in relationships.

And there is so much wonderful stuff connected to relationships and sex; all that learning about each other,  nervous dates, silly jokes, going around in a positive buzz and humming tunes, treating each other with love and respect .

For more get along to the Porn debate tonight 27^th September being hosted by Lit & Deb Soc

Venue: Kirwan LectureHall  near main entrance of concourse. Time 7pm

For more on Woman’s rights contact FemSoc

Related article: Rape and Alcohol 

- Posted by Rab